Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Utena?
by Petrael
Summary: Utena's first day as Sailormoon.... Let's see how it goes. (Next adventure: The misspelled adventures of three sneshi) Please R & R!!!
1. Prologue

Bishoujo Senshi Sailor.... Utena? - Pre viewing session  
By: Petrael  
  
It seemed to be any ordinary morning for Kunihiko Ikuhara, director of Shoujo Kakumei Utena, Sailormoon and other anime. He was busy today though. He was looking at the scripts of the newest episodes for "The Kurobara Arc" of Utena and hurriedly trying to make corrections to them. He screamed as he worked and poured over each of the scripts. His blood pressure began to rise and he began to hyperventilate.  
"Iie! Iie! Iie!" he yelled. "These scripts have to be done by 8:00 this morning and turned in so the animators can get working! I can't present these crappy scripts to the review board! THEY'D HAVE MY ASS!"  
He took a sip of coffee and went back through the scripts. He grabbed episode 14 and then something strange began to happen. He grabbed his stomach and then his arm. He fell over out of his chair and blacked out.   
***  
The entire cast of Utena waited patiently in the waiting room for news about their director. Utena was pacing the floor, Touga and Saionji were both sitting in the chairs. Anthy was cuddling up to her brother with a worried expression on her face. Shiori was looking to Juri as well as Ruka for comfort. Wakaba watched nervously as Utena paced. Kanae's arms were crossed as she watched Anthy's cuddling with Akio. Mamiya and Mikage had not yet shown up, though Nanami and her lackeys were plotting something in the corner. Finally a doctor came out of the room. The group ran to hear what was to become of them  
"Is he going to be all right doctor?"   
"Is he ill?"  
"Is he ever going to write again?"  
"Is he going to get me some action?" was Touga's question. The other's glared at him. The doctor shook his head.  
"He's very unstable right now. We need to keep him under 24 hour surveillance for at least a week. If he makes it through then we can expect good things, but until he starts to recover, I am afraid I can not allow any visitors," the doctor told them.  
"But what are we supposed to do until then? Our writers were all fired, our director's in bed, and the new scripts are due in an hour. What are we going to do?" Anthy cried  
"You'll just have to find a new writer," the doctor told her. "Here's the card of a very well known writer. Give her a call and she'll be right over." Touga took the card from the doctor and found a youthful name and phone number on the card. He walked over to the phone and dialled the number. He mumbled a couple of things into the phone and then hung up.  
"She's going to be here in a few moments she said," Touga told them.  
As promise the new writer entered the room. Her smile scared everyone. "Cone ichy wa!!! I'm Writer san. Now, I've got some new ideas for this show and you are all going to have to work really hard to get these roles down well."  
"Wait a minute..." Utena and Touga stopped the girl in her tracks. They looked at her closely and realized she had to be no older than Utena herself. "What gives you the resume to write for our series?"  
"Well... let's see. I've written five Utena fics already. Not to mention eight Sailormoon fanfics, a Trigun fanfic, a couple Evangelion poems, oh and a Magic Knight Rayearth story," the writer said. The cast looked at each other.  
"And how many have you finished?"  
"One." The cast gulped. "But I'm still working very hard on the others. Here is the cast list of who you will be playing. I hope you enjoy." The writer bounced off to start the script. They looked at the list heading which read: "BISHOUJO SENSHI SAILORUTENA." Anthy screamed.   
"A CROSS-OVER!!!"  
"That's not all," Touga read. "The role of Sailormoon goes to Utena..." Utena felt her heart fall. This would totally be a mockery of her acting talent.  
"The role of Sailormercury goes to Miki..." Miki   
"The role of Sailormars goes to Me... The role of Sailorjupiter goes to Saionji..."  
"No... No way!! I am not playing a Sailorsenshi! I do not care!" Touga looked at Saionji in an odd manner and Saionji went silent.  
"The role of Sailorvenus goes to Wakaba..." A perfect match of character personality. Wakaba would have an easy time doing this role, Touga thought.  
"The role of Sailoruranus goes to Juri..." Juri was just about as infuriated as Saionji. She didn't want to play a masculine gay woman. She also felt she would be more suited for a job for someone like... Sailormoon.  
"The role of Sailorneptune goes to Shiori..." This cheered Juri up a little bit, but she still didn't want to play the gay girl.  
"The role of Sailorsaturn goes to Anthy..." Anthy didn't say anything. It was almost a perfect role for her. Almost.  
"The role of Sailorpluto goes to Kanae..." Kanae sighed. It was inevitable that she would get a role, but it was fortunate she should get this one.  
"The role of Princess Kakyuu goes to Nanami." A princess. Such a perfect role for me, Nanami thought, though I should have gotten the role of Sailormoon.  
"The role of Sailorstarfighter goes to Keiko, the role of Sailorstarhealer goes to Aiko, and the role of Sailorstarmaker goes to Yuuko..."   
  
"The role of Most of the Villians except Jadite, Nephrite and Zoicite goes to Mikage." No one thought twice about this role, because Mikage wasn't there.  
"The role of Jadite goes to Ruka..." Ruka was pleased with his selection.  
"The role of Nephrite goes to Saionji..." A better role but Saionji was still unhappy with that choice.   
"The role of Zoicite goes to Mamiya..." Again, this was not thought twice about since the person was gone.  
"The role of Mamoru goes to Akio..." A smile ran across Akio's face.  
"The role of Naru and other minor characters goes to Kozue..."   
"And the role of Shingo and other minor characters goes to Mitsuru. Well that's it. We start shooting tomorrow."  
The cast took a deep breath and prayed that Mr. Ikuhara would get better soon.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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Oh god. No. A crossover. I never thought I'd do one. But wait til you see who is going to play Chibi Usa. Hee Hee Hee. If there's anyone from Utena I've forgotten email me at pakwhitaker@juno.com 


	2. Utena's spectacular transformation I thi...

Bishoujo Senshi Sailor.... Utena?   
Episode 1: Utena's spectacular transformation... I think  
By: Petrael  
  
Utena looked at the costume she was to wear that day. Writer-san would be there to supervise the taping and direct it, but Utena feared what had happened to the actual stars of Sailormoon. She opened her closet. Nothing. Then she looked at the script. Luna was there, but no one had been cast as her. Maybe Luna was safe and could tell her what was going on. The hair dresser entered the room and pulled Utena's hair into two Pigtails, with a large circular bun at the top of each. Utena's hair barely fell past her shoulders, but the make-up artist was sure that it would grow in a few weeks. Utena scowled.  
***  
Shooting #1  
  
Utena laid in bed. A voice called for her to wake up saying that it was after 8:00 and that she should get up. Utena bounced out of bed, fully awake and dressed in her Ohtori male outfit. She ran down the stairs, grabbed her lunch and ran out the door.   
"Utena!!" the voice called again. "You forgot your lunch!!"  
"No, I didn't!!" Utena ran toward the school. She saw the school building and walked off. "I think I'll walk around for a while before I go in." Utena walked into the parking lot where two well known kids were picking on a cat with huge green eyes. She walked in and kicked Mitsuru and Kozue out of the way. She picked up the cat and looked at it. It had a band-aid on it's forehead. Utena pulled the band-aid off and the cat bit her. There was nothing special under the bandaid.  
"Stupid cat," Utena said. The cat walked off, most likely to appear in some other scene. Utena walked into school and into class. The female teacher (played by Mitsuru) walked up to Utena and held out a test.   
"Utena! I would expect better from you! A thirty!!" Utena looked at a test she had never even taken. She looked at Mitsuru, dressed up in a woman's outfit, shrugging at the costume.   
"I thought you were going to catch me on my not wearing the female uniform," Utena said. Mitsuru looked at her and began to speak again.  
"That too, but you're always eating!! That's why you are doing so poorly in school!! If you ate less you wouldn't..."  
"Mitsuru-sensei! I haven't eaten one bite of food yet!!" Mitsuru scoffed at her and let the class out for lunch.  
Utena was sitting outside when Kozue came over to her. "It's okay, Utena-chan. You'll do better on the next test. I got an 85, but that comes from the genius of my family."  
"You mean you got Miki to take the test for you?" Kozue glared the girl. Then Mitsuru, wearing swirly glasses walked over to them. Kozue bent over and whispered in Utena's ear, "Be glad she hasn't scripted the one with Haruna where Umino goes crazy."  
"Hi!! Utena! I didn't try hard on the test either and I only got a 95. I saw your test and perhaps I could be of some help to you," Mitsuru said. Utena and Kozue glared at him.   
"Let's switch the subject here, cause this is a little too depressing. Did you hear about SailorV and her capture of the jewel thief?" Kozue said. Utena shook her head.  
"I've never even heard of Sailor V. Who is she?"  
"Some say she's an undercover cop who walkes the nights in a sailor suit, but others say she's a school girl with magical powers. I don't believe any of it. It's just a hoax like Bigfoot and Elvis and Toledo," Mitsuru said. Kozue and Utena stared at him.  
"My mother is trying to sell of all her really expensive stuff so that when the jewel thief hits her she won't be so bad off. Do you want to come to the sale after school?"  
"Sure... as long as it gets me out of homework." Utena said.  
  
Mikage, sitting on a throne in a low cut dress with a long red wig on and horns coming out the wazzu, looked at the army of things standing in front of him. "Have any of you found the Ginzuishou yet?"  
Sounds came from the things, but they didn't move, suddenly, Ruka appeared. "I am sorry my queen, but we are still unable to find the ginzuishou." He paused for a second. "What is the Ginzuishou?"  
"It's some sort of powerful item that they search for in every season," Mikage told him. "But first you must gather some energy from these pitiful humans!!"  
"Already doing that, my queen," Ruka said.  
  
Utena and Kozue were at Kozue's mother's store. There was a large crowd of people in the store and Kozue looked at her mother.   
"She's gotten freaky since Miki..." she pointed to her head. Utena understood. No one else did. But what they didn't know was that Kozue's mother was actually a monster.   
"I can't believe this is the first time I'm going to actually meet your mother," Utena said.  
"AH!!!" The woman came over to Utena and shook her hand. "You must be Utena... The girl that Kozue talks about all the time. Not as much as she talks about Miki..."  
"Mom..." Kozue moaned. Utena snickered.  
"Well then, everything will be extra cheap for you, LIKE THIS 5 MILLION DOLLAR DIAMOND!! You can have it for two dollars." Utena's jaw dropped. So did Kozue's. Utena pulled out her wallet and shook it. There was nothing inside except for an American penny and Writer-san's buisness card. Suddenly a fat woman smacked Utena and Kozue out of the what with her purse. Utena fell to the floor and came to consciousness just in time to see the fat lady try to sit on her. Kozue and Utena ran out of the store.  
"With a thirty on a test... and no money. I can't buy anything," Utena said. "And no one will buy me anything either."  
"Maybe Writer-san will give you a raise. Or you could audition for that new anime... Fushigi Yuugi, I think," Kozue told her. "Thank God Writer-san hasn't gotten to that show."  
"I think I'll walk around before I show Mom this test," Utena said. She started looking at the test. "I don't know how I'll I ever be able to look at her again!!" She crumpled up the test and threw it behind her. A voice said to her.  
"That hurt!" the sexy male voice said to her. Utena didn't even bother turning around to know who it was. "But you can do it to me anytime."  
"Akio... go away and give me my test back."  
"Hey you gave it to me. And let's see... A thirty. Oooh, that's not good. You should get some studying done. Or maybe I could have a little "chat" with your teacher," Akio said.  
"Fine with me. Have fun with Mitsuru," Utena said, snatching the paper from Akio. She passed by a video game store and saw a poster for a Sailor V game. "Wow, Sailor V's a game. She must have all the guys after her." Utena sulked all the way home. The source of the voice greeted Utena at the door.   
"Mitsuru showed me his score on the test. What did you get?" Utena showed her mother the thirty not even bothering to say a word. The eyes of Utena's mother opened wide. "With these grades don't come home!!" She slammed the door on Utena.   
"Good," Utena said. "Maybe I'll fail out of this production."  
Once again, Mitsuru appeared as Utena's younger brother. He kicked her in the butt. "I wish you were smarter Utena! Maybe then mother wouldn't get so mad."  
"Why you little..." Utena began to choke him, but Utena's mother let them into the house.  
  
Kozue was staying back in the store when everyone suddenly fell to the floor except her mother. "Mom!! What's happening? Everyone fell over dead!! You're going to be in big trouble for this!!"   
Her mother turned around. She was starting to turn all crazy looking. "I'm not your mother. I'm a monster!!! And I'm going to eat you!!!"   
Kozue screamed.  
  
Utena was lying on her bed, trying to sleep to forget about what was going on. Then the green-eyed, big-headed, little black cat that Utena had found earlier came in through the window. Utena rolled over onto it, then woke up. She looked at it.  
"Oh look someone shaved a butt into your forehead!" The cat hissed at her. "Sorry! It's a crescent moon. Aren't you supposed to give me something?"  
The cat meowed. Utena pulled close to it. The cat meowed again. "What is it? Is Timmy stuck in the well again?" The cat looked at her, it's overly large head tilting to the side. Kuroneko-sama meowed and did a flip. Utena watched as the cat did two more flips...   
"Wow. A cat that does tricks..." Utena sarcastically whined. "What... was it supposed to give me something?"  
Kuroneko-sama did one more flip before Writer-san threw a brooch, hitting Kuroneko -sama and knocking him out of the scene. Utena grabbed the brooch and held it up.   
"I know I'm supposed to say something... umm... Moon Prism Power, Make-Up." A man comes by and smacks her with make up. Then her dueling outfit changed to the outfit of Sailormoon. Utena looked down.  
"Um... isn't this skirt a little too... um..." Utena began, but the costume designer came out and hitched the skirt up, pinning it. "I was going to say short..." Suddenly a loud speaker amplified Kozue's Naru voice.   
"Help me!! Help!!! Miki!!! Miki!! Stop pulling pranks!!!"  
Utena looked at her hands. To help Kozue or not to help. That is the question... Whether tis nobler... Oh what the heck!! I can't remember the rest of the speech. Utena darted out of the house, somehow managing not to be seen by her brother or mother as she disappeared down the street.   
She followed the sound of the loudspeaker to the jewelry store Kozue had shown her earlier and found Kozue being strangled by something. Utena looked at the situation and began to walk away. "It's good for Kozue."  
"Hey, Tenjou! You're supposed to help me!!" Kozue cried. The monster squeezed tighter and looked at Utena.   
"Who are you?" the monster asked. "Another cosplay wannabe?"  
"What the heck!! I'm supposed to be Sailor Moon!! The pretty soldier of love and justice!"  
"Yeah right..." the monster said. All the women stood up and began to attack Utena. The fat lady who had nearly squashed her earlier grabbed at Utena and tried to sit on her. Utena backed away.  
"Where's Anthy and the sword of Dios when you need it?"  
All of a sudden, a red rose appeared by her feet. She looked up. Akio, dressed in a white tuxedo and mask, appeared. "Utena!!! I am Tuxedo Kamen!! I'll help you out from here on out by throwing roses and saying stuff. Maybe more... if you're nice to me..."  
"SHUT UP!!!" Utena's yelling got so loud she started defeating the monster. The monster fell over and began to roll on the floor. Utena pulled out the script and read... "Ah yes..." She grabbed her tiara then put it behind her back and brought out a frisbee. "Moon Tiara Action!!" The frisbee cut the monster in half and completely diminished all the energy Ruka had in his hand.  
"Good job, Utena. Maybe you can do that attack again..." Akio said as he disappeared. Utena rolled her eyes.  
Kozue appeared the next day at school. She began to scream about what she thought had happened the day before. "Someone named Sailor Moon came and saved me!! I'd swear it! She wore a short-skirted sailor suit and looked..." She looked at Utena who was sleeping on the desk. "Utena what's wrong?"   
"I hate this show. Stop yelling at me."  
***  
Kunihiko laid on his bed barely alive with Utena watching over him. "Please, Kunihiko-sama, I can't do this too much longer! I want to go back and be the duelist again. Heck, I wouldn't even mind if I had to have a lesbian kiss scene with Anthy in a movie that no one understands. Just get better." She walked over to Touga.  
"Hey, Touga volunteered. "At least she didn't stick us in the world of Eva or Lain. We'd be really screwed up then."  
Both stars left the room and Writer-san entered the room and took a look at the machine that kept him breathing. "It's all right Mr. Ikuhara. Your cast is doing well." She walked over to the wall and unplugged the machine. Then she walked out.  
  
  
  
  
  
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Okay... This is much different than I thought it would be. Instead of just making fun of Utena and Sailormoon, I'm making fun of them and fanfiction authors. There will be more chapters like this... but not too many. 


End file.
